


in her eyes (and all that other mushy crap)

by themuslimbarbie



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), DCU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Islamophobia, Mental Health Issues, Police Brutality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 09:43:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14952285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themuslimbarbie/pseuds/themuslimbarbie
Summary: She doesn't have a crush. Really.It's just that she has an objective interest in looking at Sara, all hot and muscley, after she works out. And she likes talking to her, and, yeah, okay, she likes the time they spend together not talking too. And maybe her palms get a little sweaty and her chest gets a little excited when she looks into her eyes. And, sure, sometimes she thinks about what it would be like to kiss her.But that doesn't mean Zari has a crush.Don't be ridiculous.





	in her eyes (and all that other mushy crap)

**Author's Note:**

> For Bert. Who asked for a tomance fic. In November. Also, thanks for proof-reading this.
> 
> Based on Tala's age, I estimate Zari was born in 2010. Canon divergent before the crossover.

_Once a Bedouin came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said, “When I go to sleep at night, should I tie my camel or should I put my trust in Allah?” The Prophet said, “Tie your camel and put your trust in Allah.”_

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi 

* * *

 

  
The first time they meet, Zari is too annoyed to be impressed that they know who she is.

She’s been through this once or twice. Well, none of those times involved people showing up in what she assumes are supposed to be costumes. But the gist is the same – a group of white people rushing in to play hero without a clue as to what’s actually going on.

The only one that _almost_ sticks out is the girl – Sara, the ARGUS drone calls her. She doesn’t say much other than Zari’s name, but it’s obvious she’s the one in charge here. Zari can see it in the way the others look at her, the way she holds herself, the way she has her eye on everything. Hell, if there was a way to breathe being in charge, Zari’s pretty sure this Sara girl would have it down. There’s nothing about her that doesn’t just scream boss.

Not that it does Sara much good with an ARGUS drone calling reinforcements on her team as Zari leaves her with nothing more than a wave. And Zari’s sure that she and her team mean well or whatever, but it’s better off this way. They aren’t actually metas and other than being reported as missing, ARGUS doesn’t have much on them. They’ll probably be locked up for a couple of days, maybe have to pay some kind of fine, and then be released. Enough to scare them into disbanding and giving up playing team hero or whatever.

It’s almost sad how quickly they’ll probably break. Zari would feel bad for them if they weren’t too naive to see that’s how the world works. Because it is. Every person for themselves. They’re better off alone.

Zari learned that lesson the hard way.

 

 

 

It takes Zari about thirty seconds to realize that Amaya recruited her without consulting her captain.

The moment they step on the ship and Amaya sees her, she immediately starts justifying her actions. And Sara stands there, arms crossed over her chest as she listens to the whole thing. Then, when Amaya's done, Sara shrugs and says she had half a mind to go back and get Zari herself. She can't be mad Amaya beat her to it.

Which is all nice and weird and stuff, but what about those time cop people they were fighting with? Aren't they going to be pissed about this?

Amaya and Sara exchange glances before Sara smirks and says _good_ , all the more reason to have Zari around. Then Sara does something that is probably supposed to pass for a wink before she walks off, leaving Zari wondering what the hell she's gotten herself into.

 

 

 

Every time things got too difficult, too hopeless, too dark – when someone got caught and arrested by ARGUS, when a mission seemed impossible, when all she wanted to do was give up fighting and hope for the best – Behrad would tell her his favorite hadith about a man who left his camel untied because he had faith in God. When the Prophet found out, he told the man to tie his camel _and_ have faith in God.

 _Nothing in life is without work_ , Behrad would say as if he were the older sibling instilling wisdom in his little sister. _God will guide you but you have to put in effort too. Don’t just expect Him to do all the work._

Zari thinks about that as she hacks into the ship and installs a program that will let her run simulations based on the system's knowledge of the timeline. She thinks about how God brought her here to the Legends and now it's up to her to do the work to save Behrad. Then the two of them can save their parents together. And then their whole family can save even more people.

All she has to do is tie her camel.

 

 

 

Zari means it when she says she has their team all figured out. They may be from a different time than her but people are always the same. Sometimes they try to dress it up like they’re more complicated, but they rarely are.

_Jax is wondering if I’m single..._

She slips it in there in the middle of it all. Not that it isn’t true. He isn't exactly subtle with the whole checking her out thing. And he's cute and kind of her type, so maybe she'd be interested if they were in 2042 and not who knows when in a time machine. Except that's not the case. So she slips the line in as she walks across the room and leans against the console next to Sara. Who just seems to be weirdly amused by the whole thing.

 _Huh_ , she thinks. Not exactly what she expected.

 

 

 

Amaya tells her that it's a little strange how she went down her list of people on the Waverider (her very _wrong_ list because there is no _thing_ between her and Nathaniel!) but never mentioned anything about Sara.

Zari doesn't see how that's strange. She has Sara figured out too, but just thought it was too obvious to point out.

She's the leader of this mess of a team, so she’s probably your typical badass woman. Does crap like throw knives for fun while using random objects as weapons. She wears way too many rings even though it's impractical in a fight, probably because she thinks it makes her look cool or something. Sara’s the tough girl. Probably always has been. The kind of girl who says annoying one-liners like how she got this way because she grew up with seven brothers or some other weird crap white girls dramatically say in movies.

Amaya looks at her amused, almost like she just said a joke or something. Then, before Zari can ask her what’s up, Amaya points out that she only needed to say one thing, like she did for all the others, not half a dozen. But it's nice to see she's been focusing that much on Sara.

Zari isn't. Sara is just an easy read. That's all.

Amaya doesn't believe her one bit.

 

 

 

The most cathartic part of hacking is that it always makes sense. It’s ones and zeroes and codes and sequences and rhythm and logic. It isn’t always simple or easy – sometimes it gets tricky and requires some creative thinking – but there’s always a right answer. And there’s always a result, a reward for all her work. Something somewhat tangible for her to have at the end of it all.

Hacking helps when everything around her is chaos with no end in sight. Gives her some sort of control when she has none.

It’s the first thing Zari does after Amaya recruits her to join Sara’s team.

Which doesn’t really go over so great with the ship, especially after Zari adds an extra layer to prevent the computer from snitching on the simulation. Which probably means she should lay off any additional hacking that might piss it off even more. Which, Zari quickly realizes, means she’s not only out of her element by being on a time ship, she’s without the one comfort she’s always had.

And, just like that, it doesn’t matter that she has Behrand’s totem and access to all this magic, because she feels completely powerless.

 

 

 

Amaya doesn’t understand her struggle, but she tries.

Her idea to help Zari feel less powerless is to try to make her more powerful. To train her, prepare her to physically handle any battle. Which sounds great in theory, but really sucks in practice. Particularly the part where Zari has to actually practice the physical stuff. Which is pretty much all of it.

Training, as it turns out, really sucks.

Shocking, right?

She needs to shift her weight with her punches, Sara explains the first time she walks in on Zari practicing with a punching bag. Then stands next to her and demonstrates as she explains something about the power coming from the hips. Which Zari totally hears because she’s listening and not watching her hips or anything.

Sara hangs around for a few minutes after that, giving Zari a couple of tips and adjusting her stance and coaching her along. She smiles brightly when Zari lands a particularly solid punch, which makes Zari feel ridiculously proud, like she just took down an armed guard or something.

 _You’ve got the skills_ , Sara says. She just needs to make sure she gets the foundation down. And not get discouraged if training is hard. Amaya is tough. She's probably one of the most badass people Sara’s ever met, but she’s been doing all sorts of cool training since she was little. She doesn’t always remember what it’s like to be a beginner or not know anything.

Zari raises a brow. “And you do?” she asks, thinking back to the other day when she saw Sara flip over a dude twice her size.

Sara presses her lips together and for a moment, she almost looks tired. “That’s a story for another day,” she says before she pats Zari on the back and walks off.

 

 

 

It could be a story for today, Zari thinks as she stands in front of the ship’s main computer systems, her fingers itching to get to work and crack the code. Because the ship’s got a working log of all of time, which means it has to have a file on Sara. Which would be easy enough to get with their outdated security system. A few minutes and she could have the whole thing. She could get her answers.

She should do it, she thinks. Knowing the people she’s travelling with is a good idea. She’s trusting her life with these strangers so it’s not unreasonable to want to know what their deal is.  

She also thinks about the way Sara looked at her – so tired and defeated and almost broken – as if bringing up what could have possibly made her like this could drain the life out of her. Whatever it is might have torn Sara apart once upon a time. Might still tear her apart now.

Zari gets it. She knows a thing or two about wanting to avoid your past.

 

 

 

Still, she thinks about that later. About what Sara meant by knowing what it’s like to not know anything. About what a Sara who doesn’t know how to kick ass, much less properly defend herself, could have even been like. It… doesn’t make sense.

She’s the leader type. One of those annoying people who take their vulnerabilities and make them their strengths. She’s the person who runs into danger so that no one else has to. The person who walks into a room already knowing every possible threat and every possible escape route. The hero.

 _That’s_ Sara.

Or at least that’s the Sara Zari knows.

But if that’s not who she just is, how hard does Sara work to be that person?

And more importantly: why does Zari care?

 

 

 

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear: she does not have a crush.

Crushes are a luxury set aside exclusively for two types of people: children who are too young to have worries and white people with nothing better to worry about.

Zari is neither.

Ergo she doesn’t have a crush.

It’s just that Sara doesn’t make sense. She's different from other people Zari’s seen and Zari’s seen it all. Sara's a code to crack. A system to hack. A puzzle to solve. She's a challenge. Something to occupy Zari’s time while she’s stuck on this stupid ship. Her interest is pure curiosity. That’s all.

End of discussion.  

 

 

 

The next time she and Amaya go to train, they run into Sara. Zari takes one look at her, still shirtless and muscley and sweaty from her workout, and thinks _what the fuck_ before she almost walks into a wall.

Amaya tilts her head, purses her lips, and looks at Zari for a moment before she asks her if she's okay. Zari frowns and grabs her boxing gloves without a word. Amaya glances at Sara before looking back at Zari, and then smiles almost smugly. Zari scowls.

 _Shut up_.

Amaya laughs.

 

 

 

Zari was eleven years old, a child, the last time she had a crush.

It was back when Seattle was still a somewhat safe place, back when the world lined up with what the Legends still think it is. When candy and chips were still mostly available at every corner store and video games were just beginning to be pulled off the markets.

Back when a Muslim girl and a black boy could walk down the street and be mostly sure they wouldn’t be arrested (or worse) for just existing.

His name was Victor Stone. They met at some lame school computer club that they both dropped out of after two meetings when they realized no one else in the room knew what they were doing. But those two meetings were enough for Zari and Victor to know they would be best friends.

And then the world went to hell and Victor…

 _Yeah_.

There’s a reason Zari doesn’t do crushes.

 

 

 

Another thing Zari doesn't do: pray. At least not since Behrad died.

She told her family that it was because she was mad at the world for letting this happen, mad at God for creating a world where this could happen. Mad at herself for not protecting him. For living when Behrad didn’t. Because she was his _khahaar_ and it was her responsibility to protect him.

It should have been her who died. Who God took. Not him.

All of which is true, but not technically the truth. Because the truth is Zari stopped praying because Behrad loved it.

He was horrible about doing praying when he was supposed to – always slept through morning prayers and sometimes afternoon ones and somehow would never get the timings right in the evenings. But when he got it right, he loved it. Said it gave him hope, serenity, peace. Because it was the one time he could let himself forget the world they lived in and just _be_. Surrender to the will of God and know that everything would eventually be fine.

And then he died.

Because Zari, because his big sister, left him behind.

After that, every time she stopped to pray, all she heard were his screams.

So she stopped. And never went back.

 

Thing is, she never stops considering herself Muslim. Partially because that’s just a part of who she is, because that’s who she’s always been, because that’s what she says she is and no one else has the right to take that away from her. But also, ironically, partially because that’s what the world sees when they look at her: Muslim.

Which is hilarious because for as long as she can remember they’ve wanted her to not be Muslim. They built an entire system and set up laws and locked her away in prison to keep her from being the very thing they see her as. They brand her a Muslim and then expect her to deny it – not because of what she thinks or believes or practices, but just because _they_ want her to deny it. And Zari refuses to play by their rules.

It probably isn't right or what her family would want, but it's the reality of the situation. At least it's her reality. Behrad would understand.

She'll ask him when she sees him again.

It won't be long.

 

 

 

_The simulation yields a zero percent chance of success._

Zari curses and wipes the simulation off the screen. But as she begins to plug in the codes for another scenario, the computer warns her that Sara is approaching the library. Zari clears the program from sight only half a second before Sara walks in.

At least Zari thinks she does until Sara comes in and stops when she sees the screen. Which, Zari realizes a bit too late, is displaying a picture of Behrad’s mug shot from ARGUS’s files.

For just a brief moment, she thinks Sara will say something. And for a moment she thinks Sara thinks so too. But after a beat, Sara shakes her head softly, as if she's changed her mind, and just tells Zari that Nate located an anachronism and they need to head out.

Zari nods and wipes the picture off the screen before she follows Sara out.

 

 

 

As a rule, Zari doesn't ask about Laurel and Sara doesn't ask about Behrad.

She doesn't know if it's because they don't need to talk to understand or if they're both too raw to open up.

 

 

 

What she does ask: if Sara's ever going to tell Amaya she’s in love with her or if she plans on spending all of her time looking at Amaya like some sort of sad, pathetic puppy.

It’s almost funny how Sara stares at her for a full minute, completely baffled. She opens her mouth to say something, closes it, opens it, closes it again. Finally, she asks Zari _what_ on _earth_ she’s talking about.

Zari doesn’t miss that Sara doesn’t deny it. She isn’t sure if that’s because there’s nothing she could say that would persuade Zari that isn’t the case or because she’s trying to deflect. It doesn’t really matter anyways. Not to her at least. Besides, Jax already told her about the Holy Lance or whatever.

_You don’t break time for just anyone._

It’s easy enough to write off, Zari thinks. Sara’s the captain after all, and the kind of person who would risk anything for her team – it comes with that annoying sense of responsibility she carries. Zari hasn’t even been around for that long and she’s already seen Sara risk her neck for the team at least half a dozen times. So she could easily use the same excuse for this. Plus, Jax said there was something about saving all of reality too, so that’s probably another good excuse.

Thing is, Sara isn’t really the type to take the easy route.

 

She lays most of it out. Some of the details are vague, probably because she doesn’t know how much Zari knows or doesn't think Amaya’s life is her business to share, but she says enough for her to understand:

_Amaya has a destiny._

More specifically, a destiny that she plans to fulfill. Which means, no matter what happens, no matter what feelings anyone has, Amaya will have to leave the Waverider and go back to 1942. She will always choose the life of her granddaughters – choose her _family_ – in the end.

So, as much as it may suck, it’s better for everyone this way.

 

 _Huh_ , Zari says afterwards. And here she thought Sara was going to give her some cliché spiel about falling in love with a straight girl.

Sara smiles at her in this almost mischievous way. And for a brief moment, Zari remembers the way Victor used to look at her before he would take her hand and lead her into something that would get both of them in trouble. Remembers the way her palms would suddenly get awkwardly sweaty and her heart would suddenly feel like it was going to pound its way out of her chest. The way she would suddenly want nothing more than to smile back, bigger and brighter than she’s smiled in God knows how long.

And for a brief moment, she thinks she can almost feel it happening to her all over again.

Except then Sara says, “I have never met a straight woman in my life.”

It’s clearly a joke. Zari knows it is because she has literally seen Sara's surprise every time a woman hits on her, as if she had no idea that they could possible not be straight. It's actually kind of funny, in an almost pathetic way, how Sara probably has the single worst queer-gear Zari has _ever_ seen. So, yeah, she doesn’t even know how much more obvious it could be that Sara’s joking.

But she doesn’t really think about that because suddenly Zari is back in 2042. Back to smuggling hijabs and qibla compasses and tasbeehs to underground masjids. Back to prison. To being chained up and beaten and told to renounce her religion. To having someone tell her who she is. Who she should be.

Zari snaps.

“I'm straight.”

Yeah… that's not even remotely true.

 

 

 

She is about seventy-five percent sure that the stuff that comes out of the food fabricator isn’t actual food. She asked the computer (“ _It’s Gideon!”_ ) about it once and all Zari got was a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about the balance of nutrients and something or other about Time Master diets that she didn’t really care about. And she’s pretty sure the computer could just give her a real answer but chooses not to because she hates her. Which is whatever because she’s a computer and not a person. Not that Zari particularly cares about what people think about her.

Anyways, the gist is that isn’t real food. Which means Zari is about seventy-five percent sure that the stuff that comes out isn’t technically haram because it probably isn’t even real meat. It’s basically like eating a supplement. Which means she’s fine if she wants to do it.

Except she doesn’t.

She’s used to a mostly vegetarian diet anyways. It’s not exactly a cakewalk finding halal meat when you’re not even allowed to be Muslim. So it’s not a big deal to push a button and get something without meat rather than something with it. Besides, it’s not like this isn’t giving her more options than she’s already used to. She'll deal.

 

Nate disagrees. Which she finds out when he comes into the kitchen one morning holding two big bags of frozen meat. Meat he says came from some big halal market in Marrakesh in 2015. Because apparently Amaya noticed that she never eats meat on the ship and mentioned it to Sara, who, as it turns out, knew a place in Morocco. So she pulled him away from searching for anachronisms so he could get a break, and they took a little field trip.

He explains that they mostly just got some chicken and beef since they weren’t really sure what Zari would want. Though the shopkeeper was impressed that Sara knew enough Arabic to barter with him, so he threw in a few samples of lamb. If Zari likes it, they can go back and get some more of that. Or whatever else she wants.

He says some other stuff – something about Ray making plans to update his chore wheel and working back in turns for people to cook – but Zari doesn’t pay attention. She’s a little stuck on the fact that these idiots time travelled somewhere just to make sure her food could be halal.

_Why?_

But by the time she actually asks, he’s already gone, heading back in the direction of the library, as if what just happened was a perfectly normal occurrence.

Which it’s not.

Right?

 

 

 

Something that’s definitely not normal: having one bathroom for eight people. Zari's pretty sure that there are laws against that in 2042 because even ARGUS had enough bathrooms for all their prisoners. Which is really saying something. That something being that they need to fix this immediately.

Jax said he built the library, right? Another bathroom can’t be that much harder…

Zari’s mental rant is cut off when the bathroom door dramatically swings opens just as she reaches for it and she’s hit with a wave of hot, humid air. Which she barely notices because on the other side of the door is Sara. And she only has a towel wrapped around her and her wet hair is thrown on top of her head.

A few drops of water fall from her hair and land on her shoulder before sliding down her arm, tracing her ridiculous muscles as they go.

 _You have_ got _to be kidding_ , Zari thinks and seriously considers walking away because this kind of crap only happens in those lame mushy romance movies Nate cries over.

Sara glances down at her shoulder before looking back up at Zari. An amused grin tugs at her lips. It’s only then that Zari comprehends that Sara said something. The steam from the shower behind Sara reminds her that she's only in this predicament because of their one bathroom situation.

This must be hell.

 _All yours_ , Sara says, but as she moves out of the way her arm brushes against Zari’s and that definitely doesn’t feel accidental.

 

“Sara,” Zari calls before she can think to stop herself.

A bit of water flings off of Sara's hair when she spins back around, and she looks at her with a raised brow. And this is probably the point where Zari's supposed to be worried because she has no idea why she even called Sara's name, much less what she wants to tell her. Except, standing there with her hair piled on her head and nothing but a white towel on, Zari realizes exactly how ridiculously blue Sara's eyes are.

Which is probably the most cliché thing she's ever thought and she hates herself a little bit for it. But it's true. They're big and bright and…

And they're almost the same blue as the iwan on the masjid she went to as a child. As the tile that was in her grandparents’ kitchen in Tehran. The tasbeeh her dad gave Behrad for his thirteenth birthday. Her mom's favorite color.

Sara's eyes are the color of Zari's home.

 

Suddenly it's kind of hard to breathe.

(She isn't even sure if it's in a good or bad kind of way.)

 

_Are you okay?_

Sara takes a step towards her and Zari automatically takes a step back, desperate to put any sort of distance between her and those eyes.

She doesn't realize what she’s done until she thinks she sees a brief look of hurt flash across Sara's face. It's gone before Zari can be sure, replaced with concern. Which means it’s her turn to say something.

Good thing she has a lot of experience hiding her pain.

_Just wanted to say thanks. You know, for blowing the ship up instead of me and that Rip guy._

Sara looks at Zari like she's not sure that she believes her. But, after a moment, seems to realize that it doesn't make a difference what she believes because Zari is not about to budge. So she shrugs and only asks that Zari not sneak off on her like that again. She makes it halfway down the hall before Zari calls back that she makes no promises.

Sara's laugh echoes down the corridor.

 

 

 

One time Sara comes to Zari’s room after a particularly tough mission. She doesn’t say anything when Zari doesn’t look up from her video game, just leans against the door that closes behind her and waits for her to finish. They stay that way, in this weird silent standoff, until Zari gets distracted watching Sara out of the corner of her eye and gets hit with a combo and dies. So she sighs dramatically, shuts the game off, and turns to Sara.

What they do isn’t easy, Sara says almost hesitantly. And she doesn’t just mean the mission stuff, even though those do get intense. It’s the end goal, the reason they’re on the ship, the focus on the mission.

She was a bit like Zari before. Not exactly the same, obviously. Different circumstances, different skills. But she had the same goal: to help people. Not because she needed to, but because she could. Because if one less person could suffer because of her then she had to help them. Because no innocent person should suffer.

 

_So what changed?_

_The goal._

What they do here is different. The Waverider, the Legends, their mission – it’s about more than survival. It’s about preserving time, history, reality. It’s not about helping a single person, it’s about all of humanity and so much more.

That change, that part where you have to learn to focus on the bigger picture, is _hard_. Sara’s good at what she does – the leading, the strategizing, the saving the world. She’s not perfect, but she’s good enough – but that doesn’t mean it’s not a struggle to remember that the mission comes first. To see a person and know that she could make their life better and then not to do it because so much more is at stake.

She never wanted to be the person, but you have to be when you do this.

 

_Sounds like being captain sucks._

Sara snorts but smiles a little and admits that _yeah_ , it kind of does sometimes _._

Zari doesn’t know what comes next. Sara just stands there with these _eyes_ that are so intense that if Zari were anyone else, she’d say that they were looking into her freaking soul or something. But she’s not, so she just sits there and tries to ignore that the room seems to be getting warmer and it feels like her chest is about to climb out of her throat.

Which, for the record, is not a great feeling. Definitely not something she would recommend to someone she likes. Which is definitely not Sara. Who is standing in her room. Staring at her with those stupid blue eyes. And –

 _Game?_ she asks, holding her controller up.

Sara shakes her head. Maybe another time, she says before she turns and leaves.

When the door closes, Zari falls back into her bed and groans.

 

 

 

She’s pretty sure pulling Helen out of the Trojan War and putting her in Themyscira is the exact opposite of what Sara was getting at when she talked about focusing on the bigger picture. But the fact that Sara has that focus is all the more reason Zari has to do this.

Sara can save the world. Zari can save Helen.

She'll even the priorities. Balance her out.

That's what this team thing is supposed to be about, right?

 

 

 

When Ray comes back to the ship holding a comatose Sara, Zari thinks she has to be dreaming or hallucinating or _something_ because there’s no way this can be reality. There’s no way that person, so still and lifeless, can actually be the same badass Sara who does backflips and fights magical assassins and blows up the Waverider to save her.

But it is and, as she watches Ray lay her on the medical bed, freakishly pale even by Sara standards, something inside Zari feels heavy.

 _Hey, it’s okay, she’ll be fine_ , Nate says when he sees Zari.

He says all these other things like how Sara is strong and she’s a fighter and she’s come back from worse than this. How Gideon will take care of her now and she’ll be back in action before Zari knows it. And Zari thinks it has to be true because no one else seems as worried as her.

But still, seeing Sara like this, it –

It doesn’t feel right.

 

 

 

Between the nights Jax sleeps at her bedside, the morning trips Amaya makes, and the spontaneous day visits from the dudebros, finding a time to sneak into the med bay when no one else is there is ridiculously hard. So much that Zari even bites the bullet and asks the ship (“ _Gideon!_ ”) to let her know when Sara’s alone.

Which Zari immediately regrets when _Gideon_ (a little too gleefully) wakes Zari up to tell her that Jax has left the med bay to shower. At five in the freaking morning. Which is so early that Zari almost considers saying screw it and going back to sleep because she can’t even remember the last time she willingly got at up five freaking a.m.

That’s not true. It was back when Behrad was still alive. When he challenged Zari into seeing which one of them could make the most fajrs in a month. He lasted three days before he gave into his bed’s temptation. Zari made it the fourth morning and then quit the moment she won the bet.

Every time after that, it was because she had to be awake. Because the prison guards came rattling at her cell, because her mental institution roommate thought it was time to feed kitty, because it was the best time to move metas out of the city. Because someone was after her. Because someone was in danger. Because she needed to be awake. Because sleeping in wasn’t a luxury she had.

She doesn’t have that luxury now either, she thinks as she rolls out of bed and lands on the floor in an ungraceful thud. At least not while Sara is like this.

 

 

 

Thing is, visiting someone who is in a coma is incredibly weird and awkward and a little uncomfortable. Because Zari’s just sitting here starting, and Sara’s just lying there looking asleep and maybe it’s in her head but she even looks whiter than normal. If she were awake, Zari would maybe mock her for it, but not now. Not when she looks as lifeless as all the people Zari’s already lost.

She should say something. Sara’s sure as hell not about to.

So she talks – about how much Amaya’s training is kicking her ass now that she’s worried about Sara, about how Zari kicked both Nate and Jax’s ass at Mortal Kombat twice this week, about how she is eighty-five percent sure Ray’s supposed gluten allergy is complete crap. About Helen. About how she knows Sara won’t be happy about it and she gets it, but she couldn’t do nothing. About how she likes to think that Sara would have done the same if she had known.

Even then, she runs out of things to say. Because keeping the conversation going has never been Zari’s specialty. That was always Behrad. Or Victor. Never Zari. She’s the person who jumps in and gets the last slick word. But there’s no Behrad or Victor this time, just Zari and Sara and the silence Zari hates.

In 2042 silence means that something dangerous is coming. Silence is the calm before the storm, the pause before the raid, the last breath before the gunshot.

She needs something – _anything_ – to reassure her that this isn’t like that. That someone isn’t about to attack, that the ship isn’t about to crash. That Sara’s heart rate isn’t about to flat line, making her yet another person who's left Zari. Because she’ll take anything over that. So she closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and lets the familiar words fall from her lips.

_As'alu Allah al 'azim rabbil 'arshil azim an yashifika..._

 

 

 

She stares at the object in her hand for a solid minute before she looks back up at Ray and asks him what the hell he just handed her because it can _not_ possibly be what she thinks it is.

He grins in that bright way (the one that makes her want to punch him in the teeth but also smile at the same time) and proudly announces that it’s a qibla compass. It took him and Jax a couple of weeks to figure out how to get it to work in the time stream, but once they figured it out it actually wasn’t that hard. You see…

She doesn’t hear what he says after that because she’s looking down at the little object that suddenly feels very heavy in her hands.

_This was Sara’s idea._

It isn’t a question.

He frowns and for a moment Zari thinks he might be upset she wouldn’t automatically assume he and Jax would do something like this for her on their own. And she’d feel bad if she hadn’t already told Jax that she doesn’t exactly pray anymore. Which she also told Amaya. And Ray. And the only person on the ship who might have maybe heard her say anything was…

 _Yes_ , Ray admits slowly. But she didn’t hear that from him.

He has nothing to worry about, Zari thinks as she pockets it. She isn’t planning on saying anything.

 

 

 

She puts the qibla compass on her nightstand, where she keeps her father’s tasbeeh and the little family jewelry her passed down to her mother. Where she keeps Behrad’s totem when she goes to sleep.

Zari tries not to think about how she keeps the compass next to the most valuable objects in her life.

 

 

 

Sometimes when it's late at night or early in the morning and almost everyone is asleep in bed, Zari finds Sara awake. Sometimes training, sometimes doing some captain-y crap in the library, sometimes sitting in her office looking at that picture of her sister and ex.

The latter is what she's doing the first time Zari finds her. Neither of them say anything about the picture, even as Sara puts it back in its place, facing Zari so she can clearly see what it is. And neither of them mention that Sara's eyes are tired and red, or the fact that Zari's aren't much better.

“Couldn't sleep?” Sara asks like it's normal for her to be awake and borderline teary at three in the morning.

“Yeah, I don't do so well with my eyes closed.”

Sara stares at her for just a moment but almost seems to be looking past her at something Zari can't see. But she snaps out of it before it can get weird enough for them to have to acknowledge the moment. Then Sara smiles at her, a little sad and tight, before she nods. Without stopping to think about it, Zari nods back.

Which is pretty much the last time they talk about it. Or anything, really. It becomes this weird silent agreement between them because neither of them are up in those mornings to talk about what they're hiding from. Or talk at all.

It's… nice. Being able to wake up and find someone else, to avoid the dead silence of the night, but not being expected to unload every little thing Zari isn't ready to face yet. Being able to just _exist_ with someone else.

She's pretty sure she'd feel that way no matter who she ran into in the middle of the night. But she thinks she's glad it's Sara.

 

 

 

Zari was twelve years old when she kissed Victor on the walk home from school.

She doesn't remember why she decided to do it or even where along their walk they were. But she remembers that he was wearing his favorite blue shirt that Zari absolutely hated. She remembers that he smelt like too much men’s deodorant and that his lips were a little dry.

She remembers how freeing it felt, how happy she was when he kissed her back. How he held her hand on the walk home and how she felt so safe and strong at the same time. Like there was nothing that could ever ruin that moment for her.

Victor disappeared three days later when there was a metahuman raid in his neighborhood.

It was then that Zari realized she would never be privileged enough to have a crush.

 

 

 

Sara was never much of a cook – she took after her mom that way – except when it came to burgers. Her dad always told her that if nothing else, his daughter would know how to grill the best damn burger in Starling. She doesn’t know if it’s the best, but Sara likes to think it’s pretty damn good.

Which Zari thinks isn’t really that impressive of a boast when you’re talking to someone who hasn’t had a burger in almost twenty years. Which turns out to be the wrong (right?) thing to say because the next thing Zari knows, Sara’s traded her dish duty for Nate’s dinner duty.

Zari isn’t exactly sure why that means _she_ needs to give up her evening of playing Mortal Kombat to stand around the kitchen while Sara cooks. She opens her mouth to say as much when Sara pulls her hair into a ponytail and gives Zari this bright grin that makes her freeze.

 _Ready?_ Sara asks.

Absolutely not, Zari thinks.

 _Yeah_ , she says instead. Sure, _whatever_. As long as she doesn’t have to cut the onions.

 

 

 

Once when Zari walks in on Sara and Jax and a couple of handguns, Sara tells her that she should train with them and explains that they’re working on trick shots. Which sounds cool and all, but Zari and guns don’t exactly get along.

 _Nah_ , Jax says, Zari don’t gotta use a gun if she don’t wanna. The totem might be better anyways. Good practice for when she’s in a bind and can’t just blast someone with a gust of wind or something.

Sara nods along and adds that sometimes it’s better not to go straight on. Then pauses and grins in that mischievous way that makes Zari want to punch either Sara or herself in the face before she adds, _no offense_.

Why would that –

Oh.

Right.

She’s straight.

Forgot about that.

It’s an easy out, Zari thinks. Just say that she was messing with Sara. All it takes is two words to fix the whole thing: _I’m queer_. That’s it. That’s all she needs to say.

But the moment she tries, she stops. Feels committed to this lie. Because she doesn’t owe anyone else an explanation about her identity. It doesn’t matter if it was just a joke – it’s hers and hers alone. No one else allowed.

So, _yeah,_ offense taken _._

 

 

 

The qibla compass points northeast in a way that seems to almost be mocking her.

“Shut up,” Zari says.

It doesn’t move.

She groans and leaves the room.  

 

 

 

Slowly, over time, she learns about what happened to Sara. Not the full story, but enough to get the gist – Gambit, Amazo, League of Assassins. Death, Lazarus Pit, bloodlust. Vigilante, hero, Captain. Every now and then she'll hear the vague mention of someone Sara loved ( _loves?_ ), someone she lost, someone she had to let go.

Oliver, Nyssa, Leonard.

Kendra, Rip, Lindsay.

Laurel.

Which, you know, is pretty much all Zari really needs to solve mystery of Sara Lance and how she became the person she is. Of why she works so hard to be this person instead of the person she could be. So that's it.

Sara officially makes sense.

Case closed, mystery solved, code cracked. She's hacked her way into the story of Sara Lance. There's nothing left to figure out.

So why the _hell_ can't Zari stop thinking about her?

 

 

 

She should probably put some space between her and Sara. Distance could help her evaluate what it is about Sara that keeps her running through Zari's mind. Give her a chance to breathe and reevaluate what she's figured out about her. Get some freaking clarity on the whole thing. It would be good for her.

She does the opposite.

(What? She doesn’t like being told what to do.)

It’s not just missions and it’s not just training (though Sara does help her a lot with that because _man_ is Amaya intense). There are little things here and there, like how Sara starts sitting next to her every time Ray makes the team do a movie night. How Zari always finds herself in the kitchen when it’s Sara’s turn to cook. How they always seem to be together when a mission ends.

How Zari works with Sara to upgrade the Waverider’s security even though it’s definitely not something Sara needs to be actively involved in. How Zari becomes more involved in helping Sara pick anachronisms to cure. How Sara pulls her aside one day and tells her that she’s going to teach her how to manually fly the ship just in case something happens to her or Jax.

 _Because I know you’ll be able to handle it_ , she says softly when Zari asks why her. _I trust you._

Zari doesn’t know what surprises her more: how much faith Sara has in her or how comfortable Zari is with that.

 

 

 

“You and Jax are really close, huh?” Zari asks once when she walks into the library just as Jax walks out.

Sara smiles as she gathers the two glasses from the desk, a few drops of whiskey still lingering at the bottom. “Yeah. Guess you could say he’s my version of your Amaya.”

Zari has no idea what that’s supposed to mean.

 

 

 

The one time Zari manages to knock her off her feet during a training session, Amaya jokes that either she’s a better teacher than she thought or Zari's been cheating on her.

Zari helps Amaya up and explains that Sara's been giving her a few tips. But it's mostly just that Zari is exceptionally skilled. Hell, pretty soon Amaya's the one who's going to need Zari to train her.

Amaya stares at her for a beat before she points out that Zari's been spending a lot of time with Sara lately. Zari shrugs and asks if Amaya is jealous or something before she grabs her water.

_What if I am? I did know Sara first..._

Zari chokes in this super unattractive way where water comes out of her nose and burns her throat. When Amaya rushes over to see if she's okay, Zari waves her off and takes a gasp of air. But even when she catches her breath, her chest feels a little tight.

Look, if she wants her to back off…

Amaya’s serious face cracks and she grins, ironically, like a cat who just caught a canary. “Oh, so there _is_ something to back off from?”

Zari stares at her for a moment. Then another. And another. Amaya is on the verge of laughter by the time her brain finally catches up.

“I hate you.”

“But you _like_ her.”

Zari throws her water bottle at her. Amaya catches it and laughs as Zari walks away.

 

 

 

She doesn't have a crush. Really.

It's just that she has an objective interest in looking at Sara, all hot and muscley, after she works out. And she likes talking to her, and, yeah, okay, she likes the time they spend together not talking too. And maybe her palms get a little sweaty and her chest gets a little excited when she looks into her eyes. And, sure, sometimes she thinks about what it would be like to kiss her.

But that doesn't mean Zari has a _crush_.

Don't be ridiculous.

 _Yeah..._ Amaya says half looking like she's biting back laughter and half looking exasperated. She doesn't know how crushes work in 2042 but that sounds like a crush to her.

Nate grins as he walks over with their popcorn and declares that it's _totally_ a crush. That's one thing that never changes, no matter what time period you're in. He's a historian – he would know.

She glares at him and snatches the tub of popcorn out if his hands. He only grins harder before he turns to Amaya and fake whispers _crush_ as loudly as he can.

Zari glares.

He grins.

She blasts him with wind.

He falls off the couch but still laughs.

 

 

 

It's… _complicated_ , Amaya explains later when Nate finally gets bored of teasing Zari and wanders off to see what Ray is up to. Being pulled out of your time and put somewhere else.

They may travel all over the timeline but they spend their days with people who are from the same time period, which makes it kind of like living in 2017. Which means no one would blame Zari if she wanted to start adapting to how they do things. If she started to want things she didn't think she could have in 2042. She doesn't have to hold on to the things she doesn't want to here.

She can do whatever she wants.

So, what does Zari want?

 

 

 

What _does_ Zari want?

 

 

 

Sara says that she was looking for her. She has some free time and thought maybe they could get some coffee and pick up on that hacking lesson Zari was giving her.

It's the most bullshit excuse Zari's ever heard, especially considering she never even started giving Sara any sort of hacking lessons and they both know it. But it's an excuse Sara is making to spend unnecessary time with her. And, really, she should just take the bait and go with Sara.

Instead Zari raises a brow and says that if she didn't know any better she’d almost think Sara was asking her out on a date.

Sara snorts, but pauses and smirks playfully. “If you want a date, I think we can do a bit better than that.”

Zari freezes and thinks this can't be real. It can't be this easy. Things don't happen like this for Zari. She doesn't just get things like flirty banter with cute girls who wear too many rings and she especially doesn't get asked out on dates by her definitely-not crushes. She doesn't have these kinds of luxuries.

But for a brief second, standing there, she thinks that maybe she can. If she wants.

 

What does Zari want?

 

_I…_

Sara crosses her arms over her chest and stares at her with that smirk on her lips while she waits for her response. And for a second Zari thinks it isn't fair how she can be so casual and so attractive at the same time. And for another second she thinks it would be so easy to kiss her and wipe that smirk off her lips.

But then it passes and she catches Sara's eyes – bright and blue, as if there's a whole world, full and safe, inside of them – and something inside of her shifts. Because suddenly it's not Sara's eyes she sees – it's her mother’s hijab, it's the art that once hung on their walls, it's the tasbeeh sitting in her room.

Sara's eyes are the reminder of what Zari wants.

Behrad.

She wants her brother alive and happy and with her. She wants to save her brother so they can save their parents and she can have her family back. It's what she's wanted since she discovered time travel exists and she agreed to get on this ship. It's _why_ she got on this stupid ship.

She hates that she has to remember that. That it slips her mind for even a freaking second. Hates herself for getting distracted by totems and training and teammates who make her feel things she's not allowed to feel.

What she wants is Behrad.

 

“I don't want that.”

Sara studies her for moment, those stupid blue eyes staring into her soul, daring her to look away first. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything's fine. I'm straight, remember?”

Sara frowns softly and pauses for a beat. “It was just a joke.”

Right. A joke.

Just like everything else on this ship.

 

 

 

_Tie your camel and have faith in God._

It's time she remembers that.

 

 

 

_No!_

She slams her hands on the console. The computer has it wrong _._ Or it's lying to her. It has to be.

_I'm afraid not, Ms. Tomaz. This simulation also yielded a zero percent chance of success. I would advise against –_

_Shut up!_

Just.

Shut. Up.

It's the perfect plan. It's simple but full proof. She knows it is. The computer is just lying to her because she doesn't want Zari to go through with it. Sara probably found out what she was up to and bypassed her hack somehow. Used some code Zari couldn’t possibly know about to overrule her simulation. Told the computer to tell Zari that.

She'll prove it, she thinks as she leaves for the jump ship, ignoring the warnings. She'll come back with Behrad and show them.

 

 

 

It happens in a blink of an eye.

One minute she's there, distracting the guards she remembers from that night. Luring them away from where she knows she and Behrad were back then. Where they will be any moment now.

The next minute, the ARGUS agents come out of nowhere. Zari has no idea how they spotted her, but the next thing she knows, she's surrounded. Except they aren't the same ones who got to Behrad. But they're still agents, circling her, holding their guns at her, trying to detain her.

The gun goes off before Zari can escape.

In the distance, she hears a single cry before another set of agents surround something she can't see. Something she doesn't need to see.

_No!_

The totem activates and a surge of wind encompasses her, blasting the agents away from her, clearing a path for her. And she wants to run to Behrad, to her little brother, because maybe there's still a chance.

But she knows there isn't.

 

 

 

In the end, Behrad still dies.

And, in the end, there is nothing Zari can do but run away all over again.

 

 

 

 _What you did was wrong_ , Sara says when she comes back to the Waverider broken and alone. _You betrayed your mission, your team, Gideon._

_Me._

Zari knows. But she had to try. She couldn't just let Behrad die without trying. If Sara had the chan–

Except Sara did have the chance, she knows. She had the chance and she let it go because she had all of reality to save. Because Sara's a hero. But Zari isn't. She's just a person who wants her brother back.

She expects Sara to say something else. Wants her to say something else. Because Zari wants to fight. Needs to fight. Needs something to distract her from how it was right in front of her face and she watched her brother die again.

Sara steps forward, closing the distance between them, and… hugs her.

 _I'm sorry_ , she says. _I know how hard that was for you. I'm sorry._

Zari wants to cry. Wants to break down right there in Sara's arms and just let it all out. Let herself be comforted. But doing that, taking that comfort, means it's over. That it's really done. Behrad is gone. Her parents are dead. Forever. She lost her whole family and they really aren't coming back. Because she...

And she...

She can't take that.

So she pushes Sara off and runs.

 

 

 

Zari trashes her room.

It was never something she did in 2042, back when every last object they had was too valuable to lose in a fit of rage. Not even the first time Behrad died.

But this time is different because there's all this stuff that's just dispensable. That the ship can just refabricate because it's a freaking time machine that can do anything and make anything happen. Except take her back to a time when she could save her family. Because the one thing Zari wants more than anything is the one thing it can't give her. The one thing she can't just have.

So she lashes out, tosses books, furniture, anything she can get her hands on. Until she grabs the qibla compass off her nightstand. Because the moment she tries to throw it – tries to get rid of it like every other stupid object on this ship – it just feels so heavy and she just feels so weak.

Weak and lost and _alone_.

She lets out a single cry before she collapses to the ground, tears streaming down her face.

 

 

 

She has the computer lock her doors and soundproof it so that she can't hear whoever tries to come to her. Still, it tells her every time someone comes by. Mostly it's Amaya wanting to talk and comfort her. A couple of times it's Jax offering distraction via video games. One time it's Ray with a basket of full-sugar candies.

Zari never answers.

Eventually, the computer stops telling her that they're at the door. Zari isn't sure if that's because they stop trying or because the computer realizes there's no point.

It would be easy to override Zari's request, she knows. She didn't hack the system, didn't program anything herself, so someone with a higher authority level could easily override her. Sara could definitely do it. Probably Jax too. Maybe even Ray. But she doesn't think they will. At least not now.

Now she's safe.

Alone.

Maybe it's meant to be like this. Maybe it's time she stop fighting it and just accept that this is the path God has set out for her.

 

 

 

Three days.

She spends three days locked in. Mostly she just sleeps, only occasionally waking up to fend off starvation by picking at the snacks she keeps in her room. Until one morning she wakes up to no food left and realizes that enough is probably enough.

It’s too early for anyone to be awake, so she’s able to sneak in and out of the shower fairly easy. She packs a single bag, the same one she brought on all those months ago, with only the same objects she had before. It’s not like she’ll have the chance to play Mortal Kombat in 2042. She does briefly consider taking it to barter for money to buy supplies, but it doesn’t feel right, taking something that should have never belonged to her.

Which is exactly what she tells herself when she stands in front of the nightstand, empty except for the qibla compass.

She’s not even sure it will work once she gets back home. Ray said he and Jax coordinated it with the temporal zone. Which means it’ll probably be nothing more than a pretty paperweight in Seattle. So there’s no point in taking it. It’s not like she has the space for random non-functioning objects.

But more than that, it feels wrong to take Sara’s gift after betraying her.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck walking away from it though.

 

 

 

The plan is to grab some food from the kitchen before taking the jump ship and going home. Gideon can even have the jump ship back before anyone wakes up and notices it’s missing. One quick stop and she’s out of here for good.

And probably because it’s a plan she has, it comes crashing down when she walks into the kitchen only to be hit with an almost familiar smell.

It’s too late for Sara to be awake because she can’t sleep, but almost a little too early for her to be up for the day. But there she stands, in the kitchen, above a pot that can’t possibly be filled with haleem, the wrappings from the halal meat scattered across the counter along with several other dishes.

_What are you doing?_

Zari’s voice sounds rough even to her, tired but in that way where it sounds like her vocal cords have been scraped against sandpaper or something. And if she notices it, she knows Sara definitely does.

Sara stares at her with a small frown, but ultimately seems to decide it’s best not to say anything about it. Instead, she goes back to stirring the food in the pot and just says that she figured if Zari was going to run off on them, she might as well get a decent breakfast in first.

 

Sara spent a little bit of time in Tehran one winter. It wasn't for long, but one of her most vivid memories was of the breakfasts there – the tables filled with cheeses and breads and jams and chai. And the haleem. That was the best part.

The food fabricator can make most of it, but it can't do the haleem with the halal meat, so she's giving it a try. No promises on how it'll turn out though. This is a long shot from the burgers she used to make with her dad.

 _No,_ Zari snaps, _what_ is she doing? The haleem, the halal, the qibla compass. All these stupid little things she keeps insisting on doing for Zari. What does it all mean? Why do any of it? Why bother with her at all?

Sara look at her a moment with those blue eyes and smiles almost sadly. “Because you're family, Zari.”

She's impulsive and stubborn and has to do things her way and her desire to rebel against any authority figure she comes across sometimes drives Sara up the wall. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about her. Zari’s important to her – to the whole team – so if something is important to Zari, which this clearly is, then it's important to all of them.

Their ship is a time machine, but it isn't a miracle cure. There's nothing they can do to save the people she's lost – this team will never replace the family she lost. But they can try to make this place feel as much like a home for her as possible. Because whether she sees it that way or not, they see her as part of their family.

 

If Sara is expecting any sort of response from Zari, she doesn't push for it. She just smiles at her again, a little fuller and brighter this time, before she grabs a spoon full of haleem and offers it to her.

After a beat, Zari sighs takes the spoon.

She cringes the moment the food touches her mouth. God, it's _horrible._ Sara wasn't kidding about not knowing what she was doing.

Sara calls her a jerk, but laughs a little as she moves over to make room at the stove. Zari rolls her eyes dramatically, but smiles a little back when she joins her.

 

 

 

After breakfast, she stands in the corridor, her bag over her shoulder, her stomach warm and heavy from the haleem and chai. She looks to the right and then the left and then the right again.

She sighs and goes left.

The moment her bedroom door shuts behind her, the computer asks if she will still be requiring the jump ship. Zari drops her bag on the bed and shakes her head. _No_ , she won't. It's not like she has anywhere else worth going to.

 _In that case: Welcome home, Ms. Tomaz_.

Zari sits on the floor and grabs her controller because she might as well get some practice in. Jax has been working on his Mortal Kombat game so if she's stuck here she might as well make sure she keeps her champion title.

_Thanks… Gideon._

 

 

 

Here’s what she still doesn’t get: how did Sara know when she was going to leave?

Yeah, sure, Gideon could have told her, but she says she didn’t and Zari doesn’t see why she’d lie about something like that. And it’s not like anyone else knew when she was going to take off because _Zari_ didn’t even know. So how did Sara?

Zari asks generally, not actually expecting a real answer. But Jax gets this _look_ on his face and all it takes is the smallest bit of pushing for him to break. Because, technically, Sara never told him not to tell Zari so it’s not like he’s disobeying her or nothing. Besides, it’s sweet. Zari should know.

See, thing is, Sara had no idea when Zari was gonna leave. So she got up ridiculously early every morning and made that same breakfast, hoping that Zari would come out.

Come to think of it, Jax probably owes her. He’s not sure the team could have handled another morning of Sara's failed attempts at haleem. Zari’s was _way_ better.

Zari… doesn’t know what to say. Again.

This is getting ridiculous.

Jax grins smugly and says that _normally_ he’d tell her to say thank you or something, but he's pretty sure Zari staying with them is all the thanks Sara will ever want.

Yeah, if Zari didn’t know what to say before, she sure as hell doesn’t know now.

 

 

 

(That’s a lie.

Zari knows exactly what she should say.

She’s just not sure she can.)

 

 

 

Ray once told her about the multiverse and all about alternate Earths. About how there are whole other Earths where things can be just like theirs or completely different. Earths where heroes are villains, where aliens hang out with humans, where people she sees everyday were never even born.

Because time travel and aliens and superheroes aren't ridiculous enough. So, sure, why not add a freakin’ multiverse to the equation?

She thinks about it one evening when she goes to the kitchen and sees Sara sitting with Jax while he makes dinner. He says something Zari doesn't hear. Sara throws a roll at him but laughs. It's soft and she barely hears it, but Sara's smile is bright and Zari suddenly feels a little lighter.

She hopes there's an Earth out there where Sara gets to smile like that more often.

 

Would Zari have ever met Sara or Amaya or any of the Legends on that Earth? Or would it be an Earth where she never got her totem? An Earth where Behrad still has it because her family is alive and together and happy. Where she doesn't have to do things like smuggle metahumans to safety. Where she's not hunted by the police and dragged into prisons. Would she be safe on that Earth?

Happy?

She wonders if she has things like a boring desk job that she complains about but secretly loves. Or if she spends her weekends playing video games with her annoying little brother while their parents drink chai with their neighbors. If she goes to the masjid with her family and prays every day and finds peace in it.

If she never has to worry about what the person down the street might tell the government about them.

If she gets to have stupid crushes on dramatic white girls who give considerate presents and do backflips and wear too many rings.

 

Amaya’s hand rests her shoulder as she walks up and asks Zari if she's ready for dinner. But then Amaya's gaze follows hers to where Sara and Jax are laughing in the kitchen, but Zari shakes her head before Amaya can say anything.

 _Yeah_ , Zari says as she goes into the kitchen in the time machine she lives in with seven other people because before she was here everyone she's ever loved died.

Which means that _no_ , she doesn't think that other Earth can possibly exist. Or at least she can't possibly exist there. Because who is she if she isn't losing someone?

Who is Zari if she isn't suffering?

 

 

 

 _You're a hero_ , Amaya says.

Zari chose to do the right thing when it was hard. When all she wanted was to do something else. She put the greater good ahead of herself. That's what heroes do. That's what they have to do over and over, even when it feels impossible. Because it's the right thing.

Is that why Amaya plans to go back to 1942 instead of staying here like she wants to? Because that's what heroes do?

For a split second, Amaya's face falls and she looks so old and tired and defeated, as if she really is a hundred years old. And for that split second, Zari thinks she should take it back. But it's gone before she has the chance to really process it and Amaya's brave face is back.

That's a little different because she doesn't have a choice but to leave. Whether Amaya likes it or not, her fate is sealed because so many other things depend on her. So many other people’s existence. Not just in Zambesi, but all of the lives Mari saves. Perhaps it isn't fair, but it's her life and she has to live it.

Yeah, Zari gets the whole destiny you can't change thing. But what she wants to know is if Amaya would stay if there _wasn't_ Mari and Kuasa and the whole freaking city of Detroit depending on it. If there was nothing else, would she let herself be happy with Nate? If she didn't have to make the right choice, would she let this ship be her home?

Zari wants to ask it all, but she doesn't. Because when it comes down to it, she already knows the answer. She can see it in the way Amaya looks at Nate.

She almost lets herself wonder if that's what Amaya sees when Zari looks at Sara.

 

 

 

Is this really who she is now? Someone who just gives up on saving her family, on Behrad? Someone who abandons her home to live on a time ship where they try to maintain the status quo and eat unlimited food? Someone who has stupid, annoying, crushes on her authority figures? Is that who she's become?

Because that doesn’t sound at all like the Zari Tomaz she knows.

 

 

 

Jax is the one who confronts her on it.

She figures something is up based on how little of a fight he puts up when they play Mortal Kombat. But she definitely knows something is up when he doesn’t move after she beats him for the third time in a row. He just sits there, staring at the game, like it’s supposed to tell him something. And it’s just when she’s about to tell him to just spit whatever it is out or get out, he sighs. He lays back on her bed so that he’s looking up at the ceiling when he tells her about how his dad died. Twice.

The first time was when his troop was caught in an explosion in Somalia. Jax always knew that – he doesn’t remember ever not knowing that his dad died like that. So when Jax first got on the ship and he saw his dad only weeks before that day, he couldn’t help it: Jax had to warn him. And it worked. His dad lived.

He was hit by a sniper the following week.

So his dad died. A second time. Because Jax tried to save him.

And if it sucked losing him that first time, _man_ , it _really_ sucked the second time.

 

His dad, Nate’s grandpa, Sara’s sister, Ray’s fiancé, their old teammates, and who the hell knows how many other people whose lives they tried to help – they all died. It didn’t matter that the Legends wanted to save them or how hard they tried because at the end of it all, they failed. Time and time again, they failed. And they spent a lot of time hating themselves for it.

It took Jax a minute to realize that just ‘cause they didn't succeed or try more don't mean they're bad people. All it means is that even with all this technology, even with all their abilities, all of their power, some things are always gonna be outta their control. Because if time wants to happen, it’ll happen. Whether they like it or not.

The world’s a lot more than black and white. Yeah, yeah, he knows it sounds cliché to say that there's grey out there too, but it's true. And more importantly, there are shades of grey. Some greys are darker and some are lighter. Not everything is as easily categorized as people wanna make them. Especially when it comes to things outta their control, like time.

He's not gonna play like he's got all the answers Zari needs or nothing like that ‘cause he knows he don't. But he thinks maybe the trick is to find happiness in what you can control. At least that's what it was for him. Maybe it's different for her. But even if it's not, he hopes she lets herself find some happiness. She deserves that much.

 

 

 

_Tie your camel and put your trust in God._

 

 

 

The thing is, the world she comes from isn't always that complicated – it's black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. Being neutral when people around you are suffering can be just as bad as being on the wrong side. Shades of grey aren't really a thing Zari knows anymore. At least it's easier if she doesn't.

Sara is full of shades of grey.

This life is full of grey.

But is it the life for her?

And is it wrong that Zari wants it to be?

 

 

 

That night when she's lying in bed, curled up on her side, staring at the wall, she asks Gideon if there's another Earth out there somewhere in Ray's multiverse where she's different. Where she is… happy.

There's a beat before Gideon says that unfortunately she cannot answer that as the Time Masters did not have collective knowledge of the multiverse outside of its general existence. Which sounds just about right with Zari's luck of things.

_However, Ms. Tomaz, if you are seeking an Earth where you are happy, I fail to see why it cannot be this one._

Yeah, sure, Gideon. That's easy to say when you're a computer.

If only it were actually that easy.

It's not that easy.

Right?

 

 

 

If Zari is happy here then does that means she's given up on happiness in 2042? Or being happy with her family? With Behrad?

Or does it just mean that she's found happiness after the pain?

 

 

 

_Tie your camel and put your trust in God._

Maybe she's been a little too focused on only half of the message.

 

 

 

She finds Sara training in the middle of the night, because _of course_ she does. Except it's one of those rare times Sara is either too lost in her thoughts to notice Zari or too focused on what she's doing to look away until she's done. Which leaves Zari standing there, watching Sara as she goes through some intricate flow with her bo staff.

When she's done, Sara turns to her and says that she's been trying to get that set right all week, but kept messing up at the end. This is the first time she's actually been able to nail it. Zari must be her lucky charm.

She says something else, but Zari doesn't really hear it because her palms are going down that gross sweaty route and her heart is doing that thing where it can't decide if it's going to freeze or pound its way right out of her chest and she thinks that maybe Gideon must have done something with the centralized gravity because she feels light enough to float away. But all of that pales to how just blindingly _good_ it feels when Sara’s eyes meet hers and she looks at her with a big, bright smile.

And Zari thinks, _screw it_ , because if she's going to start working on this happiness thing then she might as well start big.

“I'm queer.”

 

Sara stares at her for a beat and raises a brow. “So does that mean you don't want to train tonight?”

But the grin on her lips doesn't fade and she looks like she might actually laugh any second. So Zari stares at her for a beat and then another, the realization hitting her.

“You _knew_?” Zari asks. “How? And I swear to God, if you say it's because you've never met a straight woman…”

This time Sara does laugh. “Straight girls don't look at me the way you do, Zari.”

Well, that's embarrassing.

This definitely went differently in her head.

 

Sara admits that she didn't know the whole thing – if Zari knew she was queer and was still in the closet, if she was in denial, if she even wanted to figure that side of herself out. All Sara knew was that Zari told her that she was straight and, yeah, okay, Sara didn't buy it, but who was she to tell Zari otherwise? It's not like her opinion mattered, and especially not over Zari's.

_Your identity is yours. If you say that's what you are then that's what you are. The only person who gets to decide that is you._

Zari knows that there's no way Sara can actually know exactly how much that means to her. Hell, Zari doesn't even think she can put into words what that means to her. And even if she could, she doubts that Sara, even with all of her empathy, would ever be able to fully grasp what that means for a person like Zari from 2042.

Thing is, Sara doesn't need to understand the weight of it all. The fact that she said it, that she believes it, that she lives by it for Zari is more than enough.

 

Okay, well, since she's already out here pouring her guts out to Sara anyways, she _might_ have one more confession to make:

“I _really_ want to kiss you right now.”

Sara grins in this smug way and says, “I thought you'd never ask.”

 

 

 

Kissing Sara, as it turns out, feels a lot like coming home.

 

 

 

“Laurel wore rings,” Sara tells her when Zari finally asks what the deal with that is.

She says it gently, but surprisingly not-quiet. There's still pain there in her eyes when she tells Zari about all the stupid rings Laurel used to collect – about how when Sara died, Laurel said she found herself in Sara’s mantle so now Sara tries to do the same thing – but there's still a smile on her lips. It's small, soft, but it's definitely there and it’s real.

Zari wants to ask if it helps, if it makes the hurt go away, even for a moment. But she doesn't, because sitting there with Sara, listening to her talk about Laurel while her hands are intertwined with Zari's, the answer seems so obvious: it doesn't. Because there's nothing in the world that can make losing your family hurt any less.

But, still, Sara has this look that is pained but also almost peaceful in a way and there's this fondness in her voice when she talks about her sister. And Zari wonders if maybe that's the trick: to focus on the person you love rather than the pain you feel. To choose them over yourself. To choose your family.

If nothing else, he deserves that.

“Behrad hated wearing the totem,” she says. “Not because it was jewelry. He just hated the color red. One time…”

 

 

 

Zari toys with the qibla compass, her fingers tracing the edges, as the needle points northeast. After a moment, she takes a breath, puts it down on her nightstand, and pulls the hijab out of her dresser.

She doesn't expect to feel her family there when she prays, but she thinks that's okay. She thinks that maybe she won't need to search to feel them anymore, because they aren't here anymore. But she is and they wouldn't want her to suffer.

_Allahu akbar._

This isn't the same person she’s always been. The Zari Tomaz she knew was angry and tired and always alone. All she knew, all she could ever focus on, was the struggle. Everything she had been through. Everyone she had ever lost.

That doesn't mean she can't change though. Of course a part of her will always be tired and angry, and she will never forget all the things she's been through or all the things she will have to keep going through. But that doesn't mean that it has to be the only thing she sees. It doesn't mean she has to be alone.

Because Zari can be someone else. Someone who doesn't let herself be held back by the things she can't control, someone who allows herself to surrender and find the peace. Someone who lets herself fall for girls with eyes the color of home.

That is who she is.

It's who she wants to be.

_Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim…_

* * *

_“Do not say that those who are killed in God’s cause are dead; they are alive, though you do not realize it. We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast, those who say, when afflicted with a calamity, ‘We belong to God and to Him we shall return.’ These will be given blessings and mercy from their Lord, and it is they who are rightly guided.”_

The Qur’an 2:154-157 

**Author's Note:**

> Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim readers! 
> 
> And a special shout out to Mina for helping this Ismaili girl out!


End file.
